Break-Up
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Poison Ivy and Two-Face decide to end their brief relationship, which upsets Harley Quinn more than anyone else. She tries to cheer her best friend up, but her plan backfires and instead makes her reconsider if breaking up might not be the best thing for her own relationship with the Joker.
1. Chapter 1

**Break-Up**

"Know any good jokes, puddin'?" asked Harley Quinn as the Joker entered their bedroom.

He stared at her. "Do _I _know any good jokes?" he repeated. "Yeah, I've got a million of them, being the goddamn Joker and all! What's the occasion?"

"Just thought Red might like a joke in her birthday card," said Harley, holding up the card she was writing to Poison Ivy. "Y'know, something to make her laugh on her special day."

"You're not getting older, you're just another year closer to dying?" suggested the Joker, chuckling. "That makes me laugh."

"I was thinking more a joke about plants or something," replied Harley. "Y'know Red loves her plants."

"Yep, a little too much if you ask me," retorted Joker.

"You can write that dying joke in it if you want though," continued Harley. "You are gonna sign it, right, puddin'?"

"Honestly, pooh, I think she'd prefer it if I didn't," he retorted. "You know Pammie and me have never really got along."

"Aw, c'mon, Mr. J, this could be you showing her you wanna be friends at last," replied Harley. "Plus it'll be awkward if she opens the card with both of us at dinner and only one of us has signed it."

"Dinner?" he repeated. "When?"

"Tomorrow night, puddin', I told you weeks ago we were going out with Red and Harvey for her birthday. Kinda a double date thing."

"I don't remember agreeing to that," snapped Joker.

"I don't know if you were really listening, but you grunted, so I took that as a yes," replied Harley. "Anyway, I've told Red we'll be there, so we can't back out."

Joker groaned. "Do I have to come?" he demanded.

"Yes," snapped Harley. "And just try to be happy about it. Jesus, you'd think a man who bases his life on a clown persona would be a little more cheerful," she muttered.

The phone rang and Harley tossed the card at him. "Think of something nice to write," she snapped as she picked up the phone. "Hello?"

"Harley? It's Ivy. Just wanted to check if we were still on for tomorrow night."

"Of course we are, Red! And me and Mr. J are really looking forward to it," replied Harley, ignoring the look of utter loathing Joker was giving her.

"Great. It'll just be the three of us now, but I just wanted to check that you were coming."

"Just the three of us?" repeated Harley, puzzled. "Why isn't Harvey coming?"

"Oh, we broke up," replied Ivy, casually.

"You broke up?!" screamed Harley, her face twisting in horror.

Joker chuckled. "You're not getting older, you're just another year closer to dying _alone_," he wrote in the card. "Love and kisses, J."

Harley snatched the card from him, glaring. "It's no big deal, Harley, really," said Ivy, sincerely. "We knew we didn't really work as a couple the first time around so it was only a matter of time. It was a nice little fling, but neither of us really expected it to last. I'm fine with it."

"Aw, Red, you put on such a brave face!" sighed Harley, standing up from the bed and dressing. "But I know what kinda agony you must be going through – I've been dumped before!"

"Several times, in fact," said Joker. "Think you would have got the hint, really."

She slapped him. "Hang on, Red, I'm just getting dressed and I'll be right over. With ice cream."

"No, really, Harley, you don't have to do that," said Ivy, hastily. "It's fine. It was kinda a mutual decision. I think we're both happier for it."

"Happier?" repeated Harley. "Happier on your own? Aw, gee, Red, you're not making sense! You're talking crazy – you must be hurting real bad! Hang in there – I'm on my way!"

"No, Harley, don't…"

But Harley hung up the phone. "Aw, she's just a mess, Mr. J!" exclaimed Harley. "Poor thing's just torn to pieces! Imagine Harvey dumping her like that! Guys can be such jerks sometimes!"

"Aw, c'mon, pooh, show a little sympathy with Harvey," said Joker. "Pammie must be quite a handful. And no guy wants to play second fiddle to a bunch of weeds."

"I wouldn't be a very good friend if I showed sympathy to the guy who dumped her, would I?" demanded Harley. "Nope, as far as I'm concerned, Mr. J, he's a complete bastard and Red's better off without him."

"I'm sure that'll make her feel real good knowing she's dated a complete bastard twice," he replied. "How is that meant to be comforting in any way? The man you put your faith in twice was a horrible choice – reflects worse on her than on him, really, doesn't it?"

"Hey, if everyone judged women by the guys they dated, people would think I'm a pathetic, dependent, dumb blonde floozy with no self-respect," retorted Harley.

He stared at her. "While the reality would be…?"

"Shut up, Mr. J!" snapped Harley. "Anyway, I'm just doing what women are supposed to do in these situations! Tell the gal she's too good for the guy, and that he's a jerk, and she's better off without him, and she'll find someone better soon."

"So lie to her, basically," retorted Joker.

"You don't know it's a lie," she said.

He shrugged. "It's her birthday tomorrow. Statistics prove the older you get, the harder it is to find a partner. Maybe I should write that in her card…" he said, reaching for it.

Harley snatched it away. "I can't believe you, Mr. J!" she snapped. "Show a little compassion for Red! You know how upset I am when you break up with me? She must be suffering at least as much as I do! She must be looking at her future through a dark tunnel without any spark of joy or light or happiness on the horizon! She must be seeing only pain and misery and loneliness, and her little heart must just be shattered into a million pieces and tearing up her ribcage! She must feel despair weighing her down so she can't even move or breathe or think! She must be going out of her mind from the pain! And I ain't gonna let my best friend suffer that if there's anything I can do to help!"

She stormed from the room and headed into the kitchen, Joker following her. She opened the freezer and pulled out the tub of ice cream. "Just what the hell do you think you're doing with that?" he demanded.

"Taking it to Red's," retorted Harley. "Ice cream always helps in these situations."

"You ain't taking my ice cream over there!" he snapped. "What if I want some?"

"Red _needs_ some," replied Harley. "And I'll buy you some more tomorrow."

"What if I want some tonight?" he retorted.

"Do you?" demanded Harley.

"Yeah," he snapped. "The whole tub, in fact. So just give it to me!"

He tried to grab it from her, but Harley held on tightly. "Mr. J, Red needs this!" she exclaimed. "She's in pain! Try not to be so selfish for once and think about her!"

"Don't call me selfish, you dumb blonde!" he shouted, grabbing the tub from her. She kicked him in the shins and he dropped it, and she snatched it up again. He made another grab for it but she kicked him again, so he struck her in the head. The following fight broke most of the furniture and appliances in the kitchen, until Harley got the upper hand by knocking him to the ground and holding the meat cleaver against his throat.

"Now listen to me, clown!" she hissed. "This ice cream is coming with me to make Red feel better! And you're gonna go be a good friend to Harvey and see that he's all right!"

"What?" demanded Joker. "I thought you said he was a bastard!"

"I said I had to say that, because that's what female friends of girls who get dumped say!" retorted Harley. "But I ain't got nothing against Harvey personally, and I want to make sure he's ok too!"

"Well, I don't wanna waste my night talking to a bi-polar guy about Pammie's plant fetish!" he snapped.

"Would you rather do that, or spend it in the emergency room?!" shouted Harley, pressing the meat cleaver down.

"Oh, c'mon, Harl, at least give me the choice of dying!" he snapped. "That would be preferable to both! But fine, Harvey it is."

Harley nodded and released him, helping him to his feet. "Thanks, puddin', you're a sweet guy," she whispered, kissing him. "See you later!"

"Where Harvey's ice cream?" demanded Joker.

Harley looked around and then picked up a bottle of scotch, handing it to Joker. "There you go. You two have a good night now. I'll see you when I get back. Love you, puddin'!"

She kissed him again and skipped out of the room with the ice cream. Joker looked around at the surrounding destruction and suddenly chuckled. "Aw, she's a good kid!" he laughed. "Nothing like a little random violence to cheer you up! Wonder if it would do the trick for Harvey. Maybe cure his little heartbreak over Pammie if I break his skull! Ah, dames!" he sighed as he strode from the room. "Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em…"


	2. Chapter 2

"Hi, Red! I brought the ice cream!" exclaimed Harley as Poison Ivy opened the door. Harley immediately seized her in a violent hug. "How you holding up, baby?"

"I told you I was fine, Harley," retorted Ivy, slightly irritated. "You didn't have to come over."

"But I wanted to come over, Red," replied Harley. "You always pretend to be so strong and independent, but I know you must be just heartbroken over this. It's ok, you can tell me the truth. And don't you worry. I've got a great plan so Harvey will want you back – it always works when Mr. J dumps me. All you gotta do is get down on your knees and say it's all your fault and promise never to do it again and beg him to take you back, and they usually give in. You have to keep at it, though – they don't always say yes the first time. But if you just don't give up, they don't really have a choice."

"The truth is I'm fine," said Ivy. "I don't want Harvey to take me back. He didn't dump me. It was a mutual thing, like I said. And I don't want to be rude after you've come all this way, Harley, but do you think you could beat it? I'm expecting company."

"Company?" repeated Harley, puzzled. "Who…"

The doorbell rang and Ivy opened it, beaming at the attractive man standing there. "Hi, c'mon in. Harley, this is Craig. Craig, Harley, who's just leaving."

Harley stared from him to Ivy in disbelief. "I don't understand…" she began.

"She doesn't have to leave if she doesn't want to," replied Craig, smiling. "The more the merrier."

Ivy's face suddenly fell. "I ain't that kinda girl," she muttered. "Were you expecting some kinda orgy when you decided to come over? Is that what you think of me?"

"No, I…" he began.

"Too late, jerk, there's plenty more where you came from," interrupted Ivy, shoving him out the door. "Get lost, loser!"

She slammed the door in his face. Harley still gaped at her. "Who was that, Red?" she asked.

"I was intending him to be my rebound fling," retorted Ivy. "But he's blown his chance. It's ok – like I said, there's plenty more where he came from. I'll just call someone else," she said, reaching for her phonebook.

Harley intercepted her hand, her big, blue eyes wide in disbelief. "Red…you mean you…you were gonna…have another guy?"

"Women deal with break-ups in different ways, Harley," said Ivy. "I deal with mine by moving on as quickly as possible. Plus it's my birthday tomorrow, and I wanted a little beefcake tonight."

"But…but…you mean you don't think Harvey's your soulmate and your one true love, and there ain't ever gonna be another guy for you, and you ain't ever gonna be able to live without him, and your entire life is over if you can't have him?"

"Um…no," replied Ivy. "Why would I think that? It's crazy."

Harley's face darkened. "It ain't crazy to believe in true love," she snapped. "And I wish you had told me you weren't worked up over Harvey – you got me all worried for nothing!"

"I told you I was fine," retorted Ivy. "I don't mind being single, Harley. It means I'm free and independent and I have lots of options in terms of guys. I get bored with the same one after awhile – variety is the spice of life, that's my motto. I can try lots of different types of meat, instead of being stuck with the same tough old steak for dinner every night."

"If that's supposed to mean what I think it is, lemme just say right now that there ain't nothing wrong with Mr. J's steak!" snapped Harley. "It's perfect, you hear me?"

"I think you've just forgotten what fresh meat tastes like, Harley," retorted Ivy. "But I don't wanna argue with you about Joker. Let's just have ice cream instead. It was sweet of you to bring it, and to come over. I do really appreciate it," she said, hugging her.

"Anything for you, Red," replied Harley, beaming as they went into the kitchen. "You should feel really special – I had to fight off Mr. J for this. He's gone to see if Harvey's ok."

"That's uncharacteristically kind of him," retorted Ivy, reaching for two bowls and spoons.

"Well, I kinda had to beat the crap outta him to make him go," replied Harley. "I hope you don't mind, Red."

"What, that you beat the crap outta J? No, it makes me unspeakably happy to think he's in pain."

"No, about me sending him to see Harvey. I know I'm meant to be on your side about this, like a good friend should be, and want him dead…"

"I don't want him dead, Harley," she retorted. "Or he'd be dead now. I'd be glad if I didn't have to see him again for a while, but we're both mature adults. We can handle this like mature adults. Anyway, like I said, we both knew it wouldn't last."

"Why not?" asked Harley. "I always thought you'd be a good couple."

She shrugged. "It just didn't feel right. Plus he's so dependent on that damn coin of his. He has to flip it for literally every decision. I just got fed up with it. That may not seem like a big thing, but it really was, especially when you're in the middle of things and you ask him if he wants to try something a little different, and he has to get out of bed and find his coin and toss it…it just gets annoying after a while."

"Yeah, Harvey's got some real dependency issues," said Harley. "He really needs to stop being so mentally enslaved to the coin and just assert himself more."

"Said the pot to the kettle," retorted Ivy, opening the ice cream. "This has melted, Harley."

Harley looked at the liquified ice cream in annoyance. "Like I said, I had to fight Mr. J. And then bring it all the way over here. It was pretty inevitable, really. Still, no point in wasting it!" she said, reaching for two glasses and pouring it in. "It'll be just like a milkshake!"

"I'll pass, thanks," replied Ivy, mixing herself a cocktail. Harley shrugged, grabbed two straws and put one in each glass, and then began sucking through both of them as they went back into the living room.

"Well, I just know you'll find the perfect guy soon, Red," said Harley.

"The perfect guy doesn't exist, Harley," she replied. "All men have their faults."

"Not Mr. J," retorted Harley, firmly.

"Look, I know you're crazily in love with him, but even you gotta admit he has problems," said Ivy.

Harley shrugged again. "I don't see 'em as problems, Red. I see them as little special features that just make him who he is. I love the whole Joker package, good and bad, sane and mad, he's still my adorable, sweet, strong, handsome, perfect puddin'."

"You need help, Harley," retorted Ivy. "See, this is your problem. This is why you're stuck in this endless cycle of abuse with J. It's because you refuse to see that there are things wrong with your relationship and your boyfriend. You just turn a blind eye to them because you're fixated on this perfect love that exists in some fantasy, fairy tale world in your head. If you could just see the reality like everyone else does, you might actually be able to break out of the pattern."

"Who says I wanna break out of it?" demanded Harley. "I love Mr. J. I love being in love with Mr. J. So what if I have to suffer a few beatings for it? Good things are worth suffering for, ain't they?"

"Yes, but your relationship isn't a good thing," retorted Ivy.

"It is for me, Red," she said. "Mr. J's my soulmate, who I was lucky enough to find. There ain't many people who can say that. He's my one true love and we're going to live happily ever after."

"See, relationships don't work like that in the real world, Harley," retorted Ivy. "They require mutual effort, and a lot of hard work and commitment. On both sides."

"Aw, me and Mr. J have been committed lots of times!" laughed Harley. Ivy looked blankly at her and Harley explained, "It's a joke, Red, see, because we've been committed in psychiatric institutions…"

"I got it, Harley, it just wasn't funny," interrupted Ivy.

"Yeah, I need to work on being funny," sighed Harley. "It really bothers Mr. J that I'm not. If I could change one thing about myself, that would be it. Well, that and a boob job, so I'd look good in a bikini."

"You look fine in a bikini, Harley," said Ivy.

"Nah, not the way you do," she replied. "I don't fill it out well enough. Curse of having a gymnast's body. But Mr. J don't mind, so I guess I should be grateful."

"You shouldn't be grateful to him, Harley," retorted Ivy. "He should be grateful that he's got an attractive, devoted, sweet girlfriend like you."

"Aw, I'm sure he is, Red," replied Harley. "He just don't always show it the way regular guys do. Because he's my special puddin'."

Ivy had brought the cocktail ingredients through into the living room, and Harley now reached for the vodka bottle, pouring a little of it into the melted ice cream. "Still, he could be a little more appreciative sometimes," Harley muttered, sucking on the straw again. "You know for a clown, he ain't a very happy guy. He's always complaining about stuff. He never tells me when I do a good job, it's always just criticism when I screw stuff up. And sometimes it's just criticism in general."

"And you never criticize him back?" asked Ivy.

"I told you, Red, I ain't got any reason to criticize him," retorted Harley. "He's perfect. Although like I say, sometimes he's a bit unappreciative. And cranky. And miserable. And angry. And mean. And sometimes you just get really, really sick of his stupid jokes and just wanna rip that annoying grin off his smug face and strangle him until that mocking laughs chokes in his ungrateful throat…"

She poured more vodka into her drink. "And he's like a goddamn camel in terms of sex. That's not to say it's not fantastic when it happens, because it is, completely mind-blowing and incredible, but, y'know, he can go months without it, just like a camel can go months without water in the desert. And lemme tell you, I feel like a desert a lot, all barren and empty and just craving a nice wet storm. God, if only he knew how hard it is to resist just jumping him and tying him down and making him want it any way it takes…"

"Harley, can you not give me images like that?" interrupted Ivy. "It'll be awkward when I have to see him for dinner tomorrow."

"Which of course he don't want to go to," continued Harley. "Just like he never wants to do anything but sit at his desk at home and make his stupid plans and traps for the Bat. He always puts me second to Bats, he always puts me second to everything. Heck, I'd kill to be _second_ to anything – I'm actually bottom of the list. Y'know, if he's got nothing better to do with his time, he'll pay attention to me. He's like a kid whose parents got him a puppy for Christmas when he wanted a bike, so he watches the other kids on bikes and ignores the puppy and only plays with it when the kids on the bikes have to go home. I'm the puppy, and Bats is the bike. Not that he wants to ride Bats, there ain't anything funny in their relationship like that," she added, hastily.

"If you say so, Harley," replied Ivy, watching Harley pour the remaining vodka in the bottle into her drinks and wondering if maybe she should interfere. But she assumed Harley knew what she was doing, and she wasn't her mother. And this venting was clearly doing Harley some good – maybe it would help her assert herself with the clown in future.

"I mean, I love him, Red, I really do," she continued. "But he can be such a jerk. Such an evil, heartless, manipulative bastard. I dunno why I put up with him sometimes. I'm a young, mildly attractive women with a few things going for me – I used to be a doctor. Sometimes I wonder why I'm wasting my life with a clown like that, who don't treat me right, don't appreciate me, and don't ever seem to want me. I sometimes wonder if I am just wasting myself on him, when I could make someone really happy, y'know. I don't ever seem to make him happy."

"So why do you put up with him?" asked Ivy.

"Like I said, I love him," replied Harley.

"Is that enough of a reason?" asked Ivy. "I don't hate Harvey. I wouldn't say I loved him exactly, but if I did, I wouldn't let that rule my life if something wasn't right in my relationship. Sometimes you can love people and not be good for each other. Sometimes you can love people knowing you aren't meant to be together. I know it's crazy, but you of all people know how crazy the world can be. Why are you letting this love, which I don't doubt you do feel for him, very deeply, but why are you letting it blot out the rest of your life? Why are you letting something that should be making you stronger and happier cripple you? It's not right, Harley."

Tears came to Harley's eyes. "It ain't right, Red, is it?" she sobbed. "It ain't right! We…we're not right together! We haven't been right for a long time!"

"If you truly think that, Harley, then why don't you make things right again?" asked Ivy. "Why don't you dump him? If he wants to get back with you, he has to try making things right again, and if he don't, then at least things will be right with you. And you're so important, baby. To me, and to yourself. I wish you could see that."

Harley sobbed again as Ivy hugged her. Then Harley suddenly stood up, firm resolution in her eyes. "C'mon, Red, we're going over to Harvey's!" she said, seizing her hand. "I'm gonna break up with Mr. J right now! I'm gonna tell him it's over unless he changes into the sweet, sincere, and caring man I deserve!"

"I don't really wanna see Harvey again for a while, like I said…" began Ivy, but there really was no arguing with Harley in this state. Before Ivy fully realized what they were doing, Harley had dragged her out the door. But she shrugged and adapted quickly, smiling to herself as they headed for the car. Maybe this was the beginning of the end of Harley's pattern.


	3. Chapter 3

"Knock, knock!" called a voice as someone banged on Two-Face's door. He switched off the TV, puzzled, and went over to it.

"Who is it?" he demanded.

"No, the line is 'who's there,' Harv," retorted the voice. "Go on, try again. Knock, knock!"

Two-Face sighed and opened the door. "Joker. What an unexpected surprise."

"Aw, you ruined the joke, Harvey!" cried Joker, beaming at him. "It was going to be a good one! Knock, knock! Who's there? Joker. Joker who? Joker's brought you a bottle of scotch because he's a real nice and thoughtful guy and and always there for a friend in need!" he said, holding out the bottle of scotch to Two-Face.

"That's not a joke," said Two-Face, puzzled, taking the bottle.

"Sure it is!" chuckled Joker. "Me, a nice, thoughtful guy? That's the funniest joke I ever heard!"

He kept laughing as he followed Two-Face inside. "You poisoned this or something?" asked Two-Face, examining the bottle suspiciously as they sat down on the sofa.

"Harvey, I'm surprised at you!" exclaimed Joker, in mock offense. "Looking a gift horse in the mouth! Can't a guy just give a present to his buddy without his buddy thinking he's trying to kill him?"

"You can't, no," retorted Two-Face. "Why are you here, J?"

"Like I said, I'm a nice thoughtful guy who's there for a friend in need," said Joker, smiling. "And you are in need, aren't you, Harv, since you've split with the weed?"

"Oh, that," retorted Two-Face, shrugging as he poured them a glass of scotch each. "Yeah, she's a bitch. I'm over her. It's no big deal."

"Can't help but think that you're probably in two minds about it, though," chuckled Joker, taking his glass. "Maybe Two-Face is over her. How's Harvey taking it?"

"It's none of your business, anyway," snapped Two-Face. "You come over here to make fun of me for it?"

"Do I look like the kinda guy who makes fun of people?" asked Joker, grinning. "No, I envy you, Harvey. You've chopped the vine off before it chokes you, something I've not managed to do with my particular strangling weed."

"Oh, come on, J," retorted Two-Face, downing his drink. "I'm sure you could get rid of Harley if you really wanted to. You could always kill her."

"You'd be surprised how difficult she is to kill," he retorted. "She's got Bats's syndrome. However hard you try, somehow she just won't die. I'm a poet, and you didn't know it!" he chuckled.

"Well, if violence doesn't work, maybe you could try a reasonable discussion. That's what Pammie and I did – we sat down for a talk and realized things just weren't working out. And after I tossed the coin to confirm it, it worked out pretty amicably."

Joker started laughing hysterically. "A reasonable discussion? With Harley?" He kept laughing, doubling over. "Oh, I'd love to see that! Ever try having a reasonable discussion with her, Harvey?"

"I imagine it would be pretty difficult for both of you to manage, actually," retorted Two-Face, pouring another drink for himself. "Well, if you can't use force or reason, I guess you're stuck with her. There's gotta be something that keeps you together, anyway."

"What, aside from the fact that she just won't die?" asked Joker. "Can't really think of anything."

"Well, there's gotta be something you like about her," continued Two-Face.

Joker thought. "Um…nothing springs to mind."

"So you can't think of anything you like about your girlfriend, and you can't think of any reasons why you should be together," said Two-Face. "So why are you together? It can't just be determination on Harley's part – if she had literally no reciprication from you, she wouldn't cling on like she does. Would she?"

"She's crazy, Harv," retorted Joker. "Of course she would."

"But there's nothing on your part that keeps you in this relationship," said Two-Face.

Joker thought again. "Well," he said, raising the glass to his lips and drinking. "I guess you could say, at the end of the day, when all's said and done, the honest to goodness truth, cross my heart and hope to die, the bottom line is…I kinda love the little minx."

Two-Face stared at him in disbelief. "You love her?"

Joker suddenly started chuckling madly again. "Y'see, you believe the sincere face too! Just like Harley does! She always falls for that one! That's the one good thing about her – she always appreciates my little jokes, even when she doesn't realize I'm joking."

He kept laughing. "Aw, Harv, you're a funny guy! I don't know why Pammie dumped you – dames like guys who can make 'em laugh. At least, Harley does. But I should probably stop talking about my little girl when you've just lost yours – don't wanna rub it in."

"Sure you don't," growled Two-Face. "Because you're a nice, thoughtful guy, right?"

"That's right, Harvey," replied Joker, grinning. "And because I'm such a nice guy, I brought just the thing to make you feel better after this painful little break-up of yours."

"Yeah? What's that?" snapped Two-Face.

Joker suddenly punched him hard in the face. "Jesus Christ, are you crazy?!" shouted Two-Face. "What the hell was that for?!"

"To help with the heartbreak, Harvey," chuckled Joker. "Now the pain's in your face, not your heart! Ain't that much better?"

In response, Two-Face struck him a blow to the jaw. Both sides were fairly evenly matched during the ensuing punch-up, until Two-Face finally got the upper hand, slamming Joker against the counter and lifting him up by his collar.

"What the hell is the matter with you, clown?!" he shouted.

"Just trying to help, Harv!" giggled Joker.

"Put him down, Harvey!" yelled a voice from the doorway. Two-Face turned to see Harley striding into the room, followed by Ivy.

"Hi, Harley," he said. "Pam."

"Hello, Harvey," replied Ivy politely, nodding at him.

"I said put him down!" shouted Harley, glaring at Two-Face. "Do it, Melty Face, before things get rough!" she snapped, pulling out a knife.

Two-Face shrugged and dropped Joker to the ground. "Thanks, pooh, you're the greates…" began Joker, but Harley suddenly kicked him in the face and then put her foot on his throat, holding the knife to his face.

"He's mine," she hissed, eyes burning. "Now you listen to me, clown! We are through, you hear me?! It's over, until you learn to treat me with the love and respect I deserve, you selfish jerk!"

"You been drinking again, you dumb blonde?" Joker demanded. "I told you you ain't allowed to - you always get all high and mighty and full of yourself when you've been on the booze, and I don't like it!"

"I don't care what you like anymore!" snapped Harley. "I'm a free woman and I can do what I wanna! And if that's drinking two vodka milkshakes, then I can damn well have two vodka milkshakes! You're dumped, you useless waste of space!"

"You're the useless waste of space around here!" Joker retorted. "And you can't dump me, because I'm gonna dump you! I'm gonna dump your body in the goddamn gutter!" he laughed, suddenly pulling out a knife and slicing at Harley. She leapt back just in time, avoiding the blow. Joker jumped to his feet and faced her, both of them holding their knives in front of them, and both of their faces indicating they fully intended to use them.

"Harley, be careful!" shouted Ivy, starting forward.

"No, stay outta this, Red!" retorted Harley, keeping her eyes fixed on Joker. "This is between me and him. Why don't you talk to Harvey about your relationship? See, they talk about that kinda stuff, Mr. J!" she shouted.

"Yeah, and look how that's worked out for them!" snapped Joker. "You should be damn grateful we've lasted as long as we have, you little brat!"

"All because of me!" she shrieked. "You never give anything back! Relationships are a two-way street, jerk, and they require mutual cooperation and effort and respect!"

"Why would I respect you, you dumb broad?!" he demanded. "Why would anyone respect you?!"

"Because I love you, you obnoixous creep!" she shouted. "And I devote myself heart and soul to that! I'm committed and dedicated and completely loyal to you, and it may not be the smartest thing to do, it may be crazy, but it's still worthy of respect!"

"Stupidity ain't ever worthy of respect!" shouted Joker. "And you are stupid, you worthless dame, because no matter how many times I tell you I don't love you, you can't seem to get it through your thick skull! Maybe if I carve it into your damn face, you'll finally get the message!"

"I wouldn't see it on my own face!" shouted back Harley. "I'll just have to carve it into yours!"

They both lunged at each other, knives whistling through the air. Ivy was terrified for Harley, but she managed to dance out of the way, just as the Joker avoided her swing. Ivy started forward again, but Harley shoved her away.

"I said stay outta this, Red!" she shouted.

"See, even your best friend don't respect you!" cried Joker, grinning. "She thinks you're as useless and pathetic as I do!"

Harley shrieked again, leaping at him. Ivy was about to try to interfere again when Two-Face grabbed her arm and pulled her back. "I'd listen to her," he muttered. "I don't think now's a good time for heroics. She can take care of herself."

Ivy watched the fight with concern in her eyes, but stayed back. "So how are you anyway, Pammie?" asked Two-Face.

"Now's not a good time for chit-chat, Harvey!" snapped Ivy.

"No need to be rude," growled Two-Face. "There's no reason why we can't get along."

"Under the circumstances, Harvey, I'm a little more concerned for my best friend than for getting along with my ex!" retorted Ivy.

"Ok, fine," snapped Two-Face. They watched the fight in silence for some moments before Two-Face asked, "You wanna drink?"

"Just go away, Harvey!" shouted Ivy. At that moment, Joker's blade ripped up Harley's arm and she screamed. He shoved her to the ground, holding the knife against her throat, but her good arm came up and held her knife against the back of his neck. She cut suddenly, and Joker shouted in pain, reaching his free hand behind his neck and staring at the blood on his fingers.

"You cut me, you bitch!" he hissed.

"You cut me first!" she snapped, glaring up at him with blazing eyes. He glared back down at her, and suddenly and without warning they were mauling each other's mouths, Harley shrieking, "Oh, Mr. J!" in delight as he pressed his fingers into her bleeding wound.

Ivy's mouth gaped open in astonishment as they continued to kiss passionately, then she turned to Two-Face. "I think I will have that drink, thanks," she muttered.

"Oh, Mr. J! Oh, Mr. J…oh…oh, not here, puddin', not in Harvey's apartment, oh…oh, yes, Mr. J!"

"Hey, not in my apartment!" shouted Two-Face, rushing over to pull them apart. Joker ripped out his gun and pointed it at his face as he continued to kiss Harley.

"Beat it, Melty Face," he muttered.

"This is my apartment!" retorted Two-Face. "You can't just…"

Joker cocked the gun and Two-Face backed away. "Ok, fine, I'm going," he growled. "Maybe I can buy you that drink, Pammie?"

"Yeah, sounds good," said Ivy. They both left the apartment and shut the door to Harley's cries of delight.

"I hate 'em," growled Two-Face as they sat together at a bar around the corner, Two-Face nursing a scotch and Ivy with a margarita. "I hate 'em so much."

"Oh, Harley's all right," sighed Ivy. "She's just confused, Harv."

"No, she ain't, Pammie," retorted Two-Face. "Don't try to defend her like that. She knows exactly what she's doing. They have a horrible, twisted relationship, but it's twisted on both sides. In many ways, it's perfect for them."

"While ours was just twisted on one side?" asked Ivy.

Two-Face was silent. "I'd be lying if I said I was happy things didn't work out between us, Pam," he muttered. "I know we ain't good for each other. But, y'know, they ain't good for each other either, and they seem happy, in their own way."

"The day I compare any relationship of mine to the clowns' in order to validate it is a sad day," retorted Ivy. "C'mon, Harvey, you're a nice guy. You deserve a girl who really appreciates all that's special about you, and I know you'll find her one day. She'll be standing there with two freckles on her face, two little gaps in her teeth, and the prettiest pair of eyes, just looking for you to take a chance on her. And when she appears, you won't need to flip a coin to know she's the one."

Two-Face smiled at her. "Thanks, Pammie. There's a guy out there for you somewhere too, a horticulturalist, maybe. Someone with a green thumb anyway, who spends his life breeding new species of flowers just so he can name them after you. Here's hoping you find him soon. Happy birthday, Pammie."

They raised their glasses in a toast and drank. Silence fell between them. "Y'know, it's strange," said Ivy at last. "When I try to think of the perfect guy for Harley, I always somehow end up thinking of J. I just can't imagine anyone else for her."

"Oh, she'd never want anyone else," said Two-Face. "Dunno why. She's crazy."

"They both are," agreed Ivy. "I guess that's why they work."

They finished their drinks and then returned to Two-Face's apartment. "You smell burning?" asked Two-Face as they walked up the stairs.

He was stunned to see smoke pouring from under his door, and then Harley flung it open. "Harvey, thank goodness you're back! Where's the fire extinguisher?" she asked.

"Out here by the stairs – what the hell have you done?!" demanded Two-Face, furiously.

"Well, Mr. J sometimes likes to smoke afterwards, and we found your cigars, and I was lighting a match while Mr. J was finishing the bottle of scotch, and he thought it would be funny to break it on my ass, and I dropped the match and it caught the scotch that had spilled on the floor and then the table caught fire…"

"Run, Harley!" shouted Joker, grabbing her hand as he rushed out of the room. "Turns out hairspray is highly flammable – who knew?"

"I got explosives stored in there!" shouted Two-Face.

"Then you better run too, Harv!" laughed Joker as they tore off down the stairs.

They all four got outside just as the building exploded. Two-Face stared in disbelief at the pile of rubble as debris slowly drifted down on them. Then Joker laughed. "Aw, I love nights that end with a bang!" he chuckled. "Hope it's cheered you out of your depression over the break-up, Harv! You'll have something else to occupy your mind with anyway!"

"Yeah. Like your slow and painful death!" snarled Two-Face.

"Harvey, is that the thanks I get for being a good friend?" asked Joker, in mock offense. "I'm hurt, I really am."

"Some guys got no appreciation, Mr. J," sighed Harley. "You come over here and spend your night trying to cheer him up, and you're rewarded with threats of violence."

"It just teaches me not to be nice in the future, pooh bear," replied Joker, grinning. "And that's a valuable life lesson. Now let's go home, cupcake. See you at dinner tomorrow, Pammie! And you should come too, Harv! I know it'll be a real blast!"

He giggled and strode off, with Harley clinging to him adoringly. Two-Face stared after them.

"You can stay on my sofa tonight if you need to, Harvey," said Ivy.

"Thanks, Pammie," he muttered. "Do me a favor and kill them at dinner tomorrow, would ya?"

She shook her head as they walked off. "It's my birthday. You kill them for me."

"We'll talk," he muttered.

"Or you could always flip a coin, Harv," she said.

He reached for his coin and tossed it. "Your problem," he said, looking at the good side.

"I always seem to lose the coin toss," muttered Ivy.

"Just unlucky, I guess," replied Two-Face.

"Certainly in my taste in men, yes," retorted Ivy.

"Could be worse," said Two-Face, shrugging. "You could be Harley."

Ivy nodded slowly. "I guess that's something to be thankful for. No matter how bad relationships can be, no matter how many problems they've got, or how difficult they get, we can certainly all be grateful we're not Harley Quinn."

**The End**


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